When Correction is hard to make!

Hey Everyone! Have surely missed writing here for some time but i guess its just human for me to connect with my heart and have something worthy to share than to write theories, right? Though there has been a lot happening that i could have blogged but then again, the upcoming Summer Road Trip is taking the best of me now and has kept me all tied up.

But this i am compelled to write because i'm sure some Parent can emphatize with the situation i'm in now ands perharps we can help each other out as usual.

My son and i have been going through some correction opinions lately and i just dont feel that my advices or methods are going down well with him. Not that i expect him to smile through the process but i have learnt to listen to his heart over time that i can tell when we have connected and are on the same page........reactions are a different story altogether, though.
I notice that he seem to be questioning authorities a lot lately and argues that he's standing up for what he believes and want to speak for himself, which is okay but that seems to drag along with it a whole lot of drama and controversies in the school and amongs friends that i worry that he will soon get himself labelled as the most controversial dude or the drama king in school if he doesn't stop.

It hurts me as a Parent to hear noises around when he asked to do something and he wants to understand why first or wants to prove 'he doesn't feel like it'.

In her book on Parenting, Joanne Millers agrees that 'children can develop the opinion that correction is an attack and that they must defend themselves at all costs. They believe that correction means weakness and weakeness must be hidden. Blaming someone else is considered insightful and pointing to others factors that seem to cause the problem may seem matured. Justifying, rationalizing and blaming are ways children skirt the issue and misscorrection benefits'

Parents in turn can become frustrated and add to the problem by correcting in counterproductive ways........like i have found myself yelling and critising because i am shocked or embarrased by my child's action which even makes him more defensive.

Now i have to check my intention as a parent and ask myself if my correction methods are achieving their values or minizing it. When i yell at my son in reaction to a bad behaviour, i realise i am not very different or doing better than him. If i can't control myself enough to drive a point in without throwing tantrums, then i feel like an hypocrite who cannot see beyond the situation and expects my son to do the same.

Being a parent comes with the responsibilty of looking beyond the surface and helping our kids know that correction is valuable and is a gift......to realise that the opportunity in every unpleasant situation our kids get into as one to instill correction in love, not as a policeman or a judge who just reads out the consequences of their action. Of course, there are consequences for actions but we must let them know our goal is deeper than that.

We cannot give up easily either because our kids reaction can make us feel tired, embarassed and rejected. Look inside your heart and check your methods to be sure correction is abour discipline and not just punishment.

Joanne recommends that correction is easier to accept if features a clear sense of identity , humility and a vision to grow.


Cheers

It’s my life- The Paradox of a teenage life

'It’s my life, it's my life my world........... '

Many people remember the popular song by Bon Jovi because the sound of it just usually get the listener in the mood to take charge and take control of their lives and shun the interference of any third party. Apart from being an old time favourite, it is a song of expression for the freedom that most young people crave for, especially those in their teens and early twenties (tweens). So it is quite typical to have the song played at any gathering of young people as a means to pump up their adrenalin perhaps the same reason why Mr.Tade Ogidan chose the song to be choreographed at the premier of the movie ‘Family on Fire’ recently.

Beyond the melody and energy of the song however, I realise the reason youngster ‘feel’ the song so much because of the connection and interpretation it gives to their personality and the pretty much the message they try to send to the older generation who are constantly on their backs.

Since my involvement with teenagers and young people, I have noticed that parents and guardians conclude that young people want to be left alone to live their lives, or do they? Should we really leave them alone?  Does this not emphasis the main cause for the deteriorating state or the complete breakdown of the value system in the country?

Well, I cannot deny the latest trend for youngsters in seeking freedom is to rebel in their teen years against whatever plan their parents have for them and seek their own. The most common is dropping out of school to pursue showbiz or is it career, either in music, acting or modelling or out rightly leaving home to avoid any possible drift with the parents’ lack of support.

And as if to proof they were right about their decision all along, these young people find their way back home and the result is often that the parent now can see reasons with them because they have ‘hit’ some serious bucks and have now earned ‘200%’ support from the same parent who didn’t support them initially. But then, those who are not very lucky to ‘hit’ as expected also come back home all the same.

This coming back home suggest to me that no matter how much freedom teenagers and young adults want, they always want to look back to find someone mostly a parent or guardian figure that’s got their back whether or not their decisions produced a good or bad consequences. It is also important to know these youngsters may tell themselves and the parent that they can make it on their own, but the truth is they will always seek the approval of their parent.  

In my opinion, Parents, Guardian, Mentors and the older generation need to understand that teenager will be teenagers and their lives will always be characterised by not- well- thought- out- decisions at one time or the other whether they live here in the country or sent abroad. So there is a need to adopt a concept I call ‘Holding of hands and Pointing of finger.’ Holding of hands entails building relationship, providing support as they experience the changes in their lives and encouraging them to pursue life with value and enthusiasm notwithstanding the odds. Pointing of finger connotes showing direction and giving instruction which most parent or those of the older generation practice a lot.

There is a misunderstanding though, in the application of the concept and so some parents overly hold the hands and forget to point the finger hence they end up raising kids who cannot complete their own NYSC clearance at the age of 22 but needs mummy or daddy to first talk to the officer on their behalf. They’re the ones who also require a personal letter to the MD of the organisation they want employment because they don’t trust their ability to stand out in an interview.

The other extreme is pointing the finger without the holding of hands which translates literally into throwing away the baby with the bath water. Such kids have been given instructions all their life and have little or no support on the direction and instruction they’ve been given. There had been no one to run to when they had questions in their heart about life and what made right, right and what make wrong, wrong. When they need answers to how justifiable a 419 deal is, they were too unconnected with their parents to ask such a question.

The reality of the times we live in require Parents and the older generation to raise their game and not assume they can raise their wards like they were brought up, the times have changes and we need to smell the coffee and quite living in denial. Often times, the quality of life and value we have embraced as parents are truly depicted by those of our children. It is time to wake up and take responsibility.

cheers

PRESENTING CHARLIE VALOR.........

The popularity of the internet has undoubtedly thrown everyone into a freedom of chat, photos, expression and unlimited information, both solicited and unsolicited. It has also become such a huge influence on our everyday life to such an extent that we cannot imagine how one is meant to survive without it.

Internet, Phone, Blackberry, Android, iPads ..........are no longer items of luxury to most people even the younger generation because as early as from the age of 8, a child in our own country can be a customer of a telecom network and they are duly recognised!.....and just in case you haven't noticed, you should watch one of the network providers' adverts to confirm.

The issue of the influx of information has been one of concern to us as an organisation but don't get me wrong, it has made life a lot easier for us and we actually thrive on it but what is worrisome is how poise our teens are to protect themselves and not get carried away by the wave while 'surfing' the world of information.

With about half of the population of young people having acess to the internet through various medium, it definitely has become mandatory for us to help the our younger ones deal with the realities and possible negativity the internet brings along.

So after we did the Bridge Forum in April, focusing on the Media, we found an organisation out of the country who is as concerned and has gone a step further to provide the needed guidance by way of publishing a comic that is fun to read, adventureous and teaches the importance of online safety and other related issues. The comic is 'The Complicated World of Charlie Valor'.

Charlie is a high school teenager who has to deal with real issues of rumors, violence, frienemies and so much more in a world of the internet and social networking not in his life alone but in relationship with his friends as well. His character reflects the life of a typical teenager who just loves to ive his life and stay out of trouble. But things are not always the way they seem.

The comic is available online but copies can be picked from BackDoor Connections as well. I have read it and some teens in my metwork too and it comes highly recommended.


Please contact us for a copy for yourself or that teen that you love.

E-mail: timsyn@backdoorconnections.com


Stay blessed

Family on Fire -The Movie Premier

Even though the event happened some two weeks back, it is still quite fresh in my head because it was such an outstanding movie or because the producer is such a man of excellence who made sure the premier was interesting and breathtaking all the way or because it was a movie centered on good values............i really can't place my hands on it,...... but it was such a night!


Oh! did i mention the fact that i took a whole six years to get the movie out?, not for lack of respect for time but for the fact that someone believes that much in excellence that they would rather not release the movie than produce a 'wishy-washy' movie to the public. And for that, was i grateful or what?! I have been a victim of some horribly-produced Nigerian movies that left me either feeling robbed or abused for the fact that i even subjected to watching it .....you know those ones you see at the salon and you can help listen to the hairdresser re-narrating to you?.......yeah, those! 

Anyway, Family on Fire' centers on young people make careless decisions without considering the consequences of their action. A Young man does the unthinkable by using his illiterate mum to lift drug into a foreign country and successfully so too. It turns out that the family abroad discovered the drugs before he got a chance to move it out of the house and a younger boy with no record of bad behavior stole and traded the drugs cheaply. 


The whole family is thrown into a catastrophe as the Baron and other drug dealers seek to regain possession. Outrage! Murder! Deaths! Police! Illegality! and so on unfolds and tears a once happy and thriving family apart!

Family on Fire is such is an unusual but apt movie not because of the story line but because it is not intended to be at the cinema, which is another thing that distinguishes the producer as a man of vision. According to Mr. Tade Ogidan, 'we do not want the movie to be perceived or viewed for entertainment alone but as one that teaches value and serves as a wake up call for parents to take charge and live up to the realities of the decadence in our society'


The movie is a must watch for every family and i say this with a lot of emphasis especially because of the character of 'Bayo' - the good boy turned bad given a circumstance he was not prepared for.


Screening of the movie is available at sponsored location and the team can be reached on the following numbers:


Toyin Omolodun -    0802 316 9000
Praise Fowowe  -    0803 726 9483
Sola Sobowale  -    0802 738 7723




Thumps Up, Uncle Tade!


  

My Angry Episode 2 - GO ON.....GET ANGRY!......

The tension and coldness in the home definitely sent me on a guilt trip and that i felt very bad is an understatement. But a good man is hard to keep down, so i decided to douse the tension, swallow my pride and engage my son in a conversation.

For whatever reason the talk with him was not on the schoolwork or his attitude. Not because i didn't think he was completely excusable or justifed but because the session did something to me and i was going to share with him how human his mum is and perharps be able to teach some valuable lessons about anger and also learn from him. So after all the preamblling, i asked him and his little brother what their opinions were about being angry and whether they thought it was okay for anyone to get angry and the responses were a wake up call even for me....'the almighty mummy'!

'We can't help getting mad sometimes because people make us by what they do that they shouldn't have done,....... 'my friends get me upset sometimes',.......' even God gets mad at his own people in the bible'......and they went on and at this point i felt like hugging them both because my heart felt such ease knowing they understand afterall,.....what a relief!......What a relief that they had looked beyond the surface and haven't judged me for being hard on everyone for the slightest reason. They looked at my action from the window of their heart and understood that there was more to me than the reaction of anger that i displayed the day before.

Now here is the catch about anger management that i'm sure will benefit everyone reading this.

1. Anger reveals passion: Think of the things that provoke anger in you. They sometimes are situations and occurences that others do not have a second thought about or are quite indifferent about but they just happen to make you uneasy enough to speak against them or get upset for. Where your passion lies is a strong indication of your purpose. For one, i still see teens on the streets and get really upset with the kind of negativity their lifestyle is tagged with.

2. Anger is a motivator: This one is my favourite because God experienced this Himself. In Isa 63, God was angry with the emenies of His people and had looked for someone to send to deal with the jerks but He didn't find nobody but His anger was big enough that it 'fueled Him'. The anger became a driving force for the achievement of a good cause.

3. Anger brings about changes: If something makes you upset constantly, the anger becomes a good reason to make some changes so you don't continue to thrown trantrums each time. For all i care, the wind blew out the candle on Thomas Edison to the point he got angry enough to figure out he needed to invent the light bulb. 
When a persons gets angry about a situation everytime and they don't do anything it, then they are no better than a lunatic or someone who's lost their minds. A wise saying is that it is a fool who does the same thing the same way each time and expects different results.

4. Anger can be learning process: Now, this is very important in relationships as friends, family, colleagues etc. For the one who is the receiver or the giver of the anger, both can leverage on the situation to learn valuable things about each other. So your boss or teacher is really upset about something you did is the easiest way of knowing their standpoint on an issue. 

So if you happen to be on a guilt trip like i was or just want to make a change about your anger, you might want to practice these ideas and you can have a money-back guarantee if they dont work.........oops!?.....except that you didn't pay anything!


R


Timsyn

My Angry Episode!!!!!

I got home from work after a hectic time in traffic and my son could barely wait for me to settle down before he approaches me for help on his homework, and even though i was quite not in the mood, i manage to look into the textbook.

I realise the topic he needed help on was one we had practiced a few times together and i did not expect him to be needing help on it.........i got a little irritated but i still proceed to find out what aspect he is having difficulty. He muttered a few words of explaination and as i normally do, I in turn asked some leading questions that may give him a clue, but the boy appeared to be missing the very obvious clues.........now i am really upset because apart from him not encouraging me, i am thinking....this is not what i planned to do on my arrival home that day.

I am now totally loosing it and my mind is racing and asking why i am doing what his teachers are paid to do and of what essence is the school lesson too?.....with no obviously no teacher to answer me or calm me down, i turn to the boy and started scolding him on how he's been playing too much lately, loosing focus and being forgetful. 'I am so going to stop you from friends visit henceforth'.....'you'll only ride your bike outside once a week and if i ever find you near the TV before i say its ok?, you've had it with me!........... and the drama goes on.

I eventually left him in anger and the boy also retired to his room for the rest of the day to avoid more confrontations.


Oh boy! What have i done? Everyone in my household can now feel the tension.......what could i have done differently? Did i have a right to be upset with my son for not being attentive enough? or is it the school that should be responsible for this commotion in my home because they didnt live up to expectations?...............


Could use some answers, really!

Parenting is not hardwork, it is HEART work!

The Bridge Forum turned out to be a huge success, afterall....(thank God for that!) despite all the fears i nurtured prior to the day. Apart for the fact that everything was in place and the crew giving their best.......,we had an awesome time and generally just had fun every step of the way!



It was very fulfilling for parents, guardian, teachers, youth worker and other participants to mingle with the teens (check out 'completed event' on the website to see participants comments). The height of it for me though was seeing how open they were to share their experiences on the use of technology and information thrown at them on the phone, in the movies etc. Some of them even had private discussions with the facilitators after their sessions were over, which futher emphasised the fact that teenagers may appear to be unapproachable or difficult to deal with most times but the truth is that they crave for guidance from the older generation.


'Parents/Guardians need to step up their game in parenting to the point that their kids can be free to discuss anything with them, that's what i will do with my kids'..... those were the words of Mr. Femi Oke, a speaker at the event. Feedback from the kids however indicated that their parents were not welcomed in some crucial aspect of their lives like the internet, relationships with the opposite sex etc. because of the fear of being judged. Another teenager wanted to know why their parents would not allow boys to visit even when they are aware they could meet in other places (putting Ace Actor Nobert Young on the spot).......and there were questions and questions......


And i have to agree that rather than dole out rules, we need to find a common ground to build a relationship around and then leverage on it to be able to guide them or teach them effectively.

The heart is where guilt is felt, where conviction happens, emotional issue are handled, relationships, love and trust is built...... so any parent/guardian who cares about making changes that will thrive needs to understand that no method works better than those of the heart. Which again leads us to knowing that we all dont have the same heart issue each time so there definitely cannot be a hard and fast rule when it comes to dealing with teenagers.

Wait, why do i feel that i say this all the time?........hmmm.....well, that's because it is the foundation that has to be laid. It is the BackDoor that will get us that beautiful relationship we long for in our teens and the trust and faith they in turn have in us to be able to share absolutely anything with us.


Cheers


Rotimi

Seriously?,........when did learning become an only school affair???

Attended a launch event this past weekend and even though the services being launched were similar to those of BackDoor Connections, which should have made me jilter for the threat of competition......i just couldn't. For whatever reasons, i was too excited to know that i'm not the only one feeling the need for increased knowledge in young people outside the classroom and i found myself applauding louder than everyone else in the audience......strange...ehn?

Well it turns out that not withstanding the lack of attention given to the development of non-formal education in the Nigeria society (for obvious reasons.....), the fact remains that the concept is growing and most part of the world now emphasis it as a mean of improving and sustaining its counterpart -the formal education.

The importance of non-fomal education is known to a lot of people not because they have been taught but largely because we all experience it at one time or the other in our lives. You definitely can recall those times you went visiting your Grandma and she took it upon herself to teach you the value of saving money by buying you a 'kolo' (local piggy bank), something you parent perharps laughed at as one of those things Grandmas do. I for instance will never forget how my father will ensure that we had good meals before we went for a party so that hunger does not rob of our comportment.

My point is while the classroom teaches formal education of 'what' is to be done, non-formal emphasis 'why' the 'what' has to be done which carries a conviction with it and guarantees thoroughness, attention to details, competence etc. So for anyone to think for a split second that all a child needs should be received in the classroom is almost like saying to be born in a bakery makes you a bread!

I'm almost sure everyone can come to terms with my point but again may tend to assume that these things happen to everyone as they grow and that we would pick up these non-formal learnings at one time in our lives or the other, but the question we might need to pulse and ask are those of, - where the kids these days are meant to pick any learning from when they do not relate to anyone but their own family members (and maybe 'Comfort', who happens to run the house when the parents are out working).

Much as i never will be a castigator of the present time who sees all good in my generation and all the worst of this net generation, i must say values which come from non-formal learning are not that rampant anymore in this dispensation to the point that we leave it to chance. The search for value has now become something we must make conscious effort to instill in our young people......we owe them that much! Just like there has been tremendious growth in the formal education system, we must ensure growth in the other forms of learning as well.


My final words will be if the system does not give your light, get a generator.......perfect analogy, right? It is time to be proactive.

Cheers

Timsyn

Here comes the 'BackDoor Bridge Forum'.....all dressed for Red Carpet

So i've been doing all these talking and sharing for some time now and it has been good so far because apart from the fact that friends, family, colleagues and even some acquitances are now beginging to realise that this is for real, there has been an evolution process that i have being going through, like trying to give life to this dream no matter the odds, having to do most task on my own to make sure things get moving.....oh, and you wont believe how prudent i have suddenly turned out to be which is strange because one would expect that my life as a finance person would ensure, but apparently we do take things for granted and for me it was the salary which was sure by month end. 


Even though i thought i would take my time before and just move at my own pace, the need to put BackDoor out there has been trailing me and wont let me be.......i just feel the atmosphere is particularly ready for this. It is as if a sudden awareness or awakening is engulfing everyone now.....public, private and the corporate sector and not to propose the value that we have to offer will not only be unpatriotic but almost criminal. 


I must confess that it is not an easy task to achieve in a society where teenagers hardly have a voice, by that i mean not represented distinctly......a parent accosted the other day and was complaining about how the teenage son is lacking in engagement by way of teens activities and of course i sized the opportunity to sell the BackDoor Tribe to her, she was highly impressed and receptive. i have also had another parent telling me to bring down the age limit to 9years since some kids get to Secondary School at that age.....(talk about fastness of this generation!).


Anyway, this is the story of my life and therefore Ladies 'n' Gentlemen, Teenagers and Young Adults, Parents and Guardian, School Owners and Administrator and all y'all who love to inspire young people.......Please join us as we present our maiden edition of the BackDoor Bridge Forum at Planet 1 on the 7th of April, 2012 where we shall attempt to close the relationship barrier between Tweens and the older generation in the critical subject matter of  the media.


The theme of the event has been themed 'The Big Screen and You' with a view to look at the media realities of our time and the effect they (movies, music, advertisement/marketing, social networking) have on the self image of the Tween. 


Professional in these fields (apart from celebrities who will be available to make the Red Carpet glamorous) will throw light on why the media is important and how the participants can make the best out of it notwithstanding the violence and stereotyping that characterize it.


Trust me when i say don't miss out on this, 'cos it promises to be rewarding for all participants.

Sound Tracks of Experiences

If you are a avid lover of movies, you would almost be able to tell what movie is featuring on your favourite movie station the moment you hear the music played along the movie even when you didn't have a chance to see the title. Sound tracks just bring back memories of a movie to us because they are peculiar and distinct. I can actually recall some right now......!

Over the years i have found out that one of the greatest complaints of teenagers and young people are the fact that their parents do not listen to them or over-react at the slightest things they do. A teenage girl of about 13yrs old once vowed openly in one of our meeting never to be like her mum when she becomes a mother herself....which i find very embarrassing because her mum is a church leader! Even though i cannot  take their words for it sometimes, i have had to look into my own life only to discover how much i had been driven by a certain occurrence or a past experience which formed the basis of my judgement and action to a present situation.

Frederick Buechner in his book 'Listening to your Life' said....'To live without listening at all is to live deaf to the fullness of music. Sometimes we avoid listening for the fear of what we may hear, sometimes for the fear that we may hear nothing at all but the empty rattle of our own feet on the pavement...'. Unpleasant experiences of the past, a sad but preventable occurrence in a close friends life, a story in the newspaper, an aspiration we haven't been able to attain... etc, can become sound tracks in our lives that we hear and is now having significant impact on the relationship we have with our adolescent we love.


Sound track can also have amazing positive impact in our lives especially if their sound in our ears are those of love, confidence, friendship when they were provided by our parents, teachers, grandparents or a mentor.


The way we relate with people especially those of our household is largely determined by the voices that have formed a sound track in our lives....so you find yourselves freaking out the day you notice your daughter or niece goes out with her friends wearing make-up and feeling generally excited when she got back to the point you conclude she must have been with boys and those friends are never to be seen around her anymore!....i believe you can imagine what that will do to her especially if your assumptions were absolute untrue.


Even though experience is said to be the best teacher, you might want to check if the experience has become such a sound track that does not let you listen to the tune of the moment and what effect that may have on your relationship,.....now even though i am an advocate for tween issues, i bet you can also apply this to other relationships in your life and you'll make some awesome discoveries to which adjustments are required.  



Cheers

Timsyn

Please raise your glasses!!!!

Just remembered i was meant to write on 'Soundtracks' which i promised in the last post and yes i will, but please give me this time to just bear my mind.

If you are a family person who has to work to ensure there is more than food on the table (my kids will not eat certain brands of cereal, for one!), and still has to keep up with the happenings in yours kid's live, not forgetting the unrealistic deadline that younger boss of yours pushed down your throat and has to be delivered on by the next morning!!!......ok, maybe i exaggerated a little bit but, boy!...the things we deal with and the demand of life can be so stressful!

I thought i had escaped all that when i left paid employment but right now i dont know if anything has changed, there still are a zillion things to do and deliver on, a lot to be achieved so much so that half the time i am still stuck on the system, on phone or on the wheels trying to keep up an appointment.

Life can be pretty hard for those raising a family but then again maybe the consolation is that God has put in us enough to carry us through our lifes as a breadwinner, a supporter, a boss, a brother/sister, a father/mother, a mentor, a friend...whatever the responsibilities are.

I indeed raise my glass to you and moi here for being who we are now and to the better us that we aspire to be. Let's face it, life will always demand of us and there will always be something we can do better and higher height we can attain. It is however fact that there also will be people, circumstances and situation that will help us to be that better person and achieve that goal.

So go on sweat it out, work hard and aim high but dont give up yet on those aspect that you want to improve but haven't had the time to focus on. Open your mind and you will be surprised to see that opportunities were always there.


Cheers

P.S

Remember to keep April 7th open for the BackDoor Bridge Forum. It's a great opportunity to have a good time with your tween and tackle some valueable issue of the Media and how it affects you.

On the First Lady 'Poor Parenting' Forum

Now i am convinced that it is not just me feeling the need for a change in our society afterall and that is a relief because the more of the problems we see, the higher the possibilities of looking for a solution or embracing the solution others might bring to the table.............i am talking about the fact that in the past one week or so i have watched on the TV, a serious clamour for better parenting and the need to be more involved in our kids lives.

First, it was Mrs. Fashola conveying a meeting of professionals from all works of life to discuss, which was impressive because she also had young people in the house to bare their minds on their expectation of parenting. 

Then i watched a certain program which have Mona Mathew (Shoe Designer)  and Agatha Amata of Inside Out also discussing literarily the same topic. So it turns out that everyone is kind of concerned about the younger generation and worried about the trend of things.

For me this is very fascinating because i can clearly see that my trying to deal with young adult and teenagers issues is not what exist in mind alone or something i made up....(thank God!). But the big question is how does this problem get solved?.....i have to give it to Mrs. Fashola for at least featuring some youth in her forum (didn't see a lot of teenagers there, but i can almost understand why not!).

For a minute though, i wondered how many people sat in that meeting as parents or guardian wanting a solution to an evident problem or attended because it was a political gathering and you had to be there because it was convened by our First Lady.......i dont know, but i am just saying. Everyone can say all they want about the problems of parenting including me but those who will succeed are the one who would not just talk about it because talk is cheap but will take an action towards gaining understanding,being honest with themselves and working hard to ensure the best for their ward. I know it sounds like what every parent will do but ask yourself this simple question and remember to be as honest as can be.......when last did i take an action that gave me a new understanding of handling my kids and can i pinpoint exactly what that action did to our relationship (by relationship, i mean your ward too).

After all said, it is evident that the issue of parenting is more than just raising your kids the way you were raised or the way your friend raises his/her own or what the culture prescribes (unless it is practical), but a sincere look into ourselves and the interpretation that we project from our action which our kids see and would pick rather than the 'valuable lessons' we teach them when we talk.

Speaking of which, i should share something about 'Soundtracks' with you the next time i write, so sure it will put your mind to work on some important issues in your parenting techniques......and lest i forget, please look out for the upcoming event 'The Big Screen & You', a workshhop on media realities of this generation......handbills and advert will be out soon and it promises to be absolutely rewarding!

Lean on me......gone wrong! (Contd....)

Since my last post on this blog, i'd practically lost composure due to the fact that i'm got convinced the issue was not well tackled, surely the issue of frienship and influence deserve more highlight than the few paragraphs i accorded it......,but then again, it was a good thing because that uneasy feeling made me think about it in an even bigger and may different perspective all together.

We all get attracted to people for different reasons and we touch each other's emotions without even realising it. Much as i think that young people make friends for the slightest reasons, i found out that adults do too and thanks to the hurried life we now live, sometimes we don't even have time or chance to look deeply into the lives of our potential friends except at those weekly meetings at church or at the club or as a client or a business associate, until an event occurs and we realise the true identity of the person is revealed. At that point, dissociation become painful, heart breaking or even impossible.

To a large extent, the same picture or senerio is at play with young people except that the criteria are mostly those of wanting to belong or fit-in into a clique or roll with someone who's got something they admire, want or lack. Unlike the adults however, influences from friends are easily picked and harder to drop.

Infuences from friends or someone might even be easy to deal with because we can pinpoint who and where they are coming from but how about those that we clueless about and you find yourself asking your ward where on earth they got those attitude from? The truth is most times they do not have the answer themselves and just do not want to discuss it because 'parents do not understand'.

Now, the ones that worry me the most are influences from intangible sources, those you cannot hold anyone in particular responsible or accountable for but have an enoumous amount of effect on your teenager's growth process!..... i am talking about internet, social networks, television, music, celebrities, fashion and so on. These are the realities of this generation and the attention required deal with influence from friends is equally as needed for these ones too......i mean, think for a minute......when was the last time you child discussed with you happenings or the recent developments on facebook, or the lastest gist about someone on twitter? Do you honestly think your teen's life on these media is trivial and not important to their growth?......well, i'll leave you with that thought and hopefully we get to come back on the realities.......


Cheers

  
Timsyn 

'Lean on me' ....... gone wrong!

I have this ornament in my house that reads 'Friends touch our lives in very beautiful ways….....can't remember what prompted me to buy it but I’m almost sure some sweet friendship memories inspired the purchase. Friendship is life and life is about friendship and not very many people will deny that.

In a teens gathering recently we had to deal with the issue of friendship and as always it was an interactive session which revealed some truth about how young people choose or make friends. Everyone loves to hang out with those they have shared interest and it is almost common knowledge that tweens love this as well and they totally want to protect the bonds they have found. What might be worrisome though are the criteria by which these friends chosen and clique formed.

I have found out that tweens generally get easily influenced by common interest found in someone and sometimes it is something they lack but admire in another person which explains why they obsess about celebrities. The look of someone, the kind of clothes, the latest PSP, ability to stand up for themselves or even some rebellious act in school  can draw a tweens attention and influence who they roll with.

With the amount of influence friends can have on your teenager, it is important to know where that recent development in their attitude are from whether positive or negative.  You want to be sure that your wards are influenced for the right reasons no matter how positive the influence may appear.

An influence gone bad needs careful management so your tween does not consider you insensitive and not caring …….. afterall even adults run into bad relationships once in a while. Your honest assessment of the situation will re-emphasize your interest in your tweens emotional growth and not a fair weather parent or guardian.

Cheers

 Timsyn

HOW FAST IS THIS GOING TO GET????......

If you are reading this, then it means you responded to my request on facebook and the least i can say is 'Thank you'.....not very many people will take any post serious just because their friend shared it.

Well, this happens to be something i've always wanted to do for reasons that i think my writing is better my talking or because it is my passion or calling, and perhaps for the fact that i want to feel like a young person forever (doesn't everyone?). ...but seriously, have you  noticed how quickly kids transform into teens.....and teens into young adults these days?.....just in case you haven't.....look around you the next time you visit your salon and observe that 'chic' getting her nails done.

My point is that this generation is on a fast track with everything from information to fashion to music and so much more to the point we don't even know what direction things might turn next. The greater worry is not the fastness though but the disconnect that this  evolution is dragging along with it. We now constantly have to deal with kids stuck on gadgets more often than doing an outdoor activity or having time spent a little brother or bonding with family, and i absolutely do no think it's because they don't want to but that there is such a misconception around that dictates the lifestyle of young people and to not follow that route is almost as if they are aliens and it does not feel 'normal' not to be on that roller-coaster.

Constant dealings i have had with the young people at different focus groups actually affirms that teenager and young people will love to spend time with 'humans' rather than gadets and yes maybe not the kind of time when you tell them how things were 'much better' in your school days....but when they can have valuable conversation with you on happenings in their world and enjoying you not judging but listening and guiding. To do contrary is to have your teen 'endure' your scoldings and judgement and promise themselves never to ever tell you anything about their life ever again!

Un-African as i may sound, i urge you to let your guard down a little bit and reach your young ones heart so you can guide them through the craziness all around.

Cheers

'Timsyn'

 P.S : Your comments will make me feel very encouraged and might help other readers too!

Questions,questions......and less questions!

"We all do not know exactly whether each of us needs help or not because we all live in different situations. One thing we all do know is; "We only need help when we have no answers to our questions, when there is no one to answer them for us, when we have done things wrong and believe we can not turn them around" Many of us have alot of questions and answers that we need to know to help us understand why things happen as they happen, where has all the help gone.?"

This was the post of an african youth on Unicef's Voiceofyouth.org on the 12th of this month which i found particularly interesting because i have found in it a prove for this piece i'm about to share.......(will have to do this notwithstanding the mood swing some of my essential keypads are experiencin now..lol)

Someone once said "if you do not take time to ask and wrestle with some life's questions, you run the risk of others answering them for you" Cultivating an inquisitive mind is an important skill in life and not settling for an easy answer are habits and discipline that should be developed especially in kids and young adults. It actually seem to come naturally for kids in this generation but it fades out as they grow into the teen years and parents now are the ones pestering but they often get the one-word answers.

The earlier generations apparently didn't do a lot of questioning....(i definitely can speak for mine), it was unconventional for young people to talk when adults were conversing and family times did not encourage such questions as well....you did not want to be shut down or punished for 'being rude', so it was better to soak it all in!

Questions express problems, define task and provoke thinking and learning.....amazing how Jesus used questions to tackle the mindset of the pharises during time (Oh yes!...he was a young adult too!). Asking questions for oneself can help us find answers that give a conviction that cannot be easily influenced.

Teenagers are a group looking for answers (obvious by 1st paragraph here) but the shortness and reducing amount of questions they ask their parents, school teacher, sunday school teacher may be due to the reaction received from those from which they seek answers.....now this is scary because when your teen stops to 'question you', it may just be an indication that they no longer trust or look up to you for guidance.

The whole point is questions are great tools for connection and communication and even though you may not have all the answers, use them to your advantage and create a common ground and a relationship with the young people in your life.

A good way to deal with not having the answer to a certain question or viewpoint is to admit that you havent given it much thought yourself but encourage the discussion to provide another opportunity to dialogue and find answers together but you will have to be committed to it.


So are you going try this or what?!