When Correction is hard to make!

Hey Everyone! Have surely missed writing here for some time but i guess its just human for me to connect with my heart and have something worthy to share than to write theories, right? Though there has been a lot happening that i could have blogged but then again, the upcoming Summer Road Trip is taking the best of me now and has kept me all tied up.

But this i am compelled to write because i'm sure some Parent can emphatize with the situation i'm in now ands perharps we can help each other out as usual.

My son and i have been going through some correction opinions lately and i just dont feel that my advices or methods are going down well with him. Not that i expect him to smile through the process but i have learnt to listen to his heart over time that i can tell when we have connected and are on the same page........reactions are a different story altogether, though.
I notice that he seem to be questioning authorities a lot lately and argues that he's standing up for what he believes and want to speak for himself, which is okay but that seems to drag along with it a whole lot of drama and controversies in the school and amongs friends that i worry that he will soon get himself labelled as the most controversial dude or the drama king in school if he doesn't stop.

It hurts me as a Parent to hear noises around when he asked to do something and he wants to understand why first or wants to prove 'he doesn't feel like it'.

In her book on Parenting, Joanne Millers agrees that 'children can develop the opinion that correction is an attack and that they must defend themselves at all costs. They believe that correction means weakness and weakeness must be hidden. Blaming someone else is considered insightful and pointing to others factors that seem to cause the problem may seem matured. Justifying, rationalizing and blaming are ways children skirt the issue and misscorrection benefits'

Parents in turn can become frustrated and add to the problem by correcting in counterproductive ways........like i have found myself yelling and critising because i am shocked or embarrased by my child's action which even makes him more defensive.

Now i have to check my intention as a parent and ask myself if my correction methods are achieving their values or minizing it. When i yell at my son in reaction to a bad behaviour, i realise i am not very different or doing better than him. If i can't control myself enough to drive a point in without throwing tantrums, then i feel like an hypocrite who cannot see beyond the situation and expects my son to do the same.

Being a parent comes with the responsibilty of looking beyond the surface and helping our kids know that correction is valuable and is a gift......to realise that the opportunity in every unpleasant situation our kids get into as one to instill correction in love, not as a policeman or a judge who just reads out the consequences of their action. Of course, there are consequences for actions but we must let them know our goal is deeper than that.

We cannot give up easily either because our kids reaction can make us feel tired, embarassed and rejected. Look inside your heart and check your methods to be sure correction is abour discipline and not just punishment.

Joanne recommends that correction is easier to accept if features a clear sense of identity , humility and a vision to grow.


Cheers

It’s my life- The Paradox of a teenage life

'It’s my life, it's my life my world........... '

Many people remember the popular song by Bon Jovi because the sound of it just usually get the listener in the mood to take charge and take control of their lives and shun the interference of any third party. Apart from being an old time favourite, it is a song of expression for the freedom that most young people crave for, especially those in their teens and early twenties (tweens). So it is quite typical to have the song played at any gathering of young people as a means to pump up their adrenalin perhaps the same reason why Mr.Tade Ogidan chose the song to be choreographed at the premier of the movie ‘Family on Fire’ recently.

Beyond the melody and energy of the song however, I realise the reason youngster ‘feel’ the song so much because of the connection and interpretation it gives to their personality and the pretty much the message they try to send to the older generation who are constantly on their backs.

Since my involvement with teenagers and young people, I have noticed that parents and guardians conclude that young people want to be left alone to live their lives, or do they? Should we really leave them alone?  Does this not emphasis the main cause for the deteriorating state or the complete breakdown of the value system in the country?

Well, I cannot deny the latest trend for youngsters in seeking freedom is to rebel in their teen years against whatever plan their parents have for them and seek their own. The most common is dropping out of school to pursue showbiz or is it career, either in music, acting or modelling or out rightly leaving home to avoid any possible drift with the parents’ lack of support.

And as if to proof they were right about their decision all along, these young people find their way back home and the result is often that the parent now can see reasons with them because they have ‘hit’ some serious bucks and have now earned ‘200%’ support from the same parent who didn’t support them initially. But then, those who are not very lucky to ‘hit’ as expected also come back home all the same.

This coming back home suggest to me that no matter how much freedom teenagers and young adults want, they always want to look back to find someone mostly a parent or guardian figure that’s got their back whether or not their decisions produced a good or bad consequences. It is also important to know these youngsters may tell themselves and the parent that they can make it on their own, but the truth is they will always seek the approval of their parent.  

In my opinion, Parents, Guardian, Mentors and the older generation need to understand that teenager will be teenagers and their lives will always be characterised by not- well- thought- out- decisions at one time or the other whether they live here in the country or sent abroad. So there is a need to adopt a concept I call ‘Holding of hands and Pointing of finger.’ Holding of hands entails building relationship, providing support as they experience the changes in their lives and encouraging them to pursue life with value and enthusiasm notwithstanding the odds. Pointing of finger connotes showing direction and giving instruction which most parent or those of the older generation practice a lot.

There is a misunderstanding though, in the application of the concept and so some parents overly hold the hands and forget to point the finger hence they end up raising kids who cannot complete their own NYSC clearance at the age of 22 but needs mummy or daddy to first talk to the officer on their behalf. They’re the ones who also require a personal letter to the MD of the organisation they want employment because they don’t trust their ability to stand out in an interview.

The other extreme is pointing the finger without the holding of hands which translates literally into throwing away the baby with the bath water. Such kids have been given instructions all their life and have little or no support on the direction and instruction they’ve been given. There had been no one to run to when they had questions in their heart about life and what made right, right and what make wrong, wrong. When they need answers to how justifiable a 419 deal is, they were too unconnected with their parents to ask such a question.

The reality of the times we live in require Parents and the older generation to raise their game and not assume they can raise their wards like they were brought up, the times have changes and we need to smell the coffee and quite living in denial. Often times, the quality of life and value we have embraced as parents are truly depicted by those of our children. It is time to wake up and take responsibility.

cheers

PRESENTING CHARLIE VALOR.........

The popularity of the internet has undoubtedly thrown everyone into a freedom of chat, photos, expression and unlimited information, both solicited and unsolicited. It has also become such a huge influence on our everyday life to such an extent that we cannot imagine how one is meant to survive without it.

Internet, Phone, Blackberry, Android, iPads ..........are no longer items of luxury to most people even the younger generation because as early as from the age of 8, a child in our own country can be a customer of a telecom network and they are duly recognised!.....and just in case you haven't noticed, you should watch one of the network providers' adverts to confirm.

The issue of the influx of information has been one of concern to us as an organisation but don't get me wrong, it has made life a lot easier for us and we actually thrive on it but what is worrisome is how poise our teens are to protect themselves and not get carried away by the wave while 'surfing' the world of information.

With about half of the population of young people having acess to the internet through various medium, it definitely has become mandatory for us to help the our younger ones deal with the realities and possible negativity the internet brings along.

So after we did the Bridge Forum in April, focusing on the Media, we found an organisation out of the country who is as concerned and has gone a step further to provide the needed guidance by way of publishing a comic that is fun to read, adventureous and teaches the importance of online safety and other related issues. The comic is 'The Complicated World of Charlie Valor'.

Charlie is a high school teenager who has to deal with real issues of rumors, violence, frienemies and so much more in a world of the internet and social networking not in his life alone but in relationship with his friends as well. His character reflects the life of a typical teenager who just loves to ive his life and stay out of trouble. But things are not always the way they seem.

The comic is available online but copies can be picked from BackDoor Connections as well. I have read it and some teens in my metwork too and it comes highly recommended.


Please contact us for a copy for yourself or that teen that you love.

E-mail: timsyn@backdoorconnections.com


Stay blessed

Family on Fire -The Movie Premier

Even though the event happened some two weeks back, it is still quite fresh in my head because it was such an outstanding movie or because the producer is such a man of excellence who made sure the premier was interesting and breathtaking all the way or because it was a movie centered on good values............i really can't place my hands on it,...... but it was such a night!


Oh! did i mention the fact that i took a whole six years to get the movie out?, not for lack of respect for time but for the fact that someone believes that much in excellence that they would rather not release the movie than produce a 'wishy-washy' movie to the public. And for that, was i grateful or what?! I have been a victim of some horribly-produced Nigerian movies that left me either feeling robbed or abused for the fact that i even subjected to watching it .....you know those ones you see at the salon and you can help listen to the hairdresser re-narrating to you?.......yeah, those! 

Anyway, Family on Fire' centers on young people make careless decisions without considering the consequences of their action. A Young man does the unthinkable by using his illiterate mum to lift drug into a foreign country and successfully so too. It turns out that the family abroad discovered the drugs before he got a chance to move it out of the house and a younger boy with no record of bad behavior stole and traded the drugs cheaply. 


The whole family is thrown into a catastrophe as the Baron and other drug dealers seek to regain possession. Outrage! Murder! Deaths! Police! Illegality! and so on unfolds and tears a once happy and thriving family apart!

Family on Fire is such is an unusual but apt movie not because of the story line but because it is not intended to be at the cinema, which is another thing that distinguishes the producer as a man of vision. According to Mr. Tade Ogidan, 'we do not want the movie to be perceived or viewed for entertainment alone but as one that teaches value and serves as a wake up call for parents to take charge and live up to the realities of the decadence in our society'


The movie is a must watch for every family and i say this with a lot of emphasis especially because of the character of 'Bayo' - the good boy turned bad given a circumstance he was not prepared for.


Screening of the movie is available at sponsored location and the team can be reached on the following numbers:


Toyin Omolodun -    0802 316 9000
Praise Fowowe  -    0803 726 9483
Sola Sobowale  -    0802 738 7723




Thumps Up, Uncle Tade!


  

My Angry Episode 2 - GO ON.....GET ANGRY!......

The tension and coldness in the home definitely sent me on a guilt trip and that i felt very bad is an understatement. But a good man is hard to keep down, so i decided to douse the tension, swallow my pride and engage my son in a conversation.

For whatever reason the talk with him was not on the schoolwork or his attitude. Not because i didn't think he was completely excusable or justifed but because the session did something to me and i was going to share with him how human his mum is and perharps be able to teach some valuable lessons about anger and also learn from him. So after all the preamblling, i asked him and his little brother what their opinions were about being angry and whether they thought it was okay for anyone to get angry and the responses were a wake up call even for me....'the almighty mummy'!

'We can't help getting mad sometimes because people make us by what they do that they shouldn't have done,....... 'my friends get me upset sometimes',.......' even God gets mad at his own people in the bible'......and they went on and at this point i felt like hugging them both because my heart felt such ease knowing they understand afterall,.....what a relief!......What a relief that they had looked beyond the surface and haven't judged me for being hard on everyone for the slightest reason. They looked at my action from the window of their heart and understood that there was more to me than the reaction of anger that i displayed the day before.

Now here is the catch about anger management that i'm sure will benefit everyone reading this.

1. Anger reveals passion: Think of the things that provoke anger in you. They sometimes are situations and occurences that others do not have a second thought about or are quite indifferent about but they just happen to make you uneasy enough to speak against them or get upset for. Where your passion lies is a strong indication of your purpose. For one, i still see teens on the streets and get really upset with the kind of negativity their lifestyle is tagged with.

2. Anger is a motivator: This one is my favourite because God experienced this Himself. In Isa 63, God was angry with the emenies of His people and had looked for someone to send to deal with the jerks but He didn't find nobody but His anger was big enough that it 'fueled Him'. The anger became a driving force for the achievement of a good cause.

3. Anger brings about changes: If something makes you upset constantly, the anger becomes a good reason to make some changes so you don't continue to thrown trantrums each time. For all i care, the wind blew out the candle on Thomas Edison to the point he got angry enough to figure out he needed to invent the light bulb. 
When a persons gets angry about a situation everytime and they don't do anything it, then they are no better than a lunatic or someone who's lost their minds. A wise saying is that it is a fool who does the same thing the same way each time and expects different results.

4. Anger can be learning process: Now, this is very important in relationships as friends, family, colleagues etc. For the one who is the receiver or the giver of the anger, both can leverage on the situation to learn valuable things about each other. So your boss or teacher is really upset about something you did is the easiest way of knowing their standpoint on an issue. 

So if you happen to be on a guilt trip like i was or just want to make a change about your anger, you might want to practice these ideas and you can have a money-back guarantee if they dont work.........oops!?.....except that you didn't pay anything!


R


Timsyn

My Angry Episode!!!!!

I got home from work after a hectic time in traffic and my son could barely wait for me to settle down before he approaches me for help on his homework, and even though i was quite not in the mood, i manage to look into the textbook.

I realise the topic he needed help on was one we had practiced a few times together and i did not expect him to be needing help on it.........i got a little irritated but i still proceed to find out what aspect he is having difficulty. He muttered a few words of explaination and as i normally do, I in turn asked some leading questions that may give him a clue, but the boy appeared to be missing the very obvious clues.........now i am really upset because apart from him not encouraging me, i am thinking....this is not what i planned to do on my arrival home that day.

I am now totally loosing it and my mind is racing and asking why i am doing what his teachers are paid to do and of what essence is the school lesson too?.....with no obviously no teacher to answer me or calm me down, i turn to the boy and started scolding him on how he's been playing too much lately, loosing focus and being forgetful. 'I am so going to stop you from friends visit henceforth'.....'you'll only ride your bike outside once a week and if i ever find you near the TV before i say its ok?, you've had it with me!........... and the drama goes on.

I eventually left him in anger and the boy also retired to his room for the rest of the day to avoid more confrontations.


Oh boy! What have i done? Everyone in my household can now feel the tension.......what could i have done differently? Did i have a right to be upset with my son for not being attentive enough? or is it the school that should be responsible for this commotion in my home because they didnt live up to expectations?...............


Could use some answers, really!

Parenting is not hardwork, it is HEART work!

The Bridge Forum turned out to be a huge success, afterall....(thank God for that!) despite all the fears i nurtured prior to the day. Apart for the fact that everything was in place and the crew giving their best.......,we had an awesome time and generally just had fun every step of the way!



It was very fulfilling for parents, guardian, teachers, youth worker and other participants to mingle with the teens (check out 'completed event' on the website to see participants comments). The height of it for me though was seeing how open they were to share their experiences on the use of technology and information thrown at them on the phone, in the movies etc. Some of them even had private discussions with the facilitators after their sessions were over, which futher emphasised the fact that teenagers may appear to be unapproachable or difficult to deal with most times but the truth is that they crave for guidance from the older generation.


'Parents/Guardians need to step up their game in parenting to the point that their kids can be free to discuss anything with them, that's what i will do with my kids'..... those were the words of Mr. Femi Oke, a speaker at the event. Feedback from the kids however indicated that their parents were not welcomed in some crucial aspect of their lives like the internet, relationships with the opposite sex etc. because of the fear of being judged. Another teenager wanted to know why their parents would not allow boys to visit even when they are aware they could meet in other places (putting Ace Actor Nobert Young on the spot).......and there were questions and questions......


And i have to agree that rather than dole out rules, we need to find a common ground to build a relationship around and then leverage on it to be able to guide them or teach them effectively.

The heart is where guilt is felt, where conviction happens, emotional issue are handled, relationships, love and trust is built...... so any parent/guardian who cares about making changes that will thrive needs to understand that no method works better than those of the heart. Which again leads us to knowing that we all dont have the same heart issue each time so there definitely cannot be a hard and fast rule when it comes to dealing with teenagers.

Wait, why do i feel that i say this all the time?........hmmm.....well, that's because it is the foundation that has to be laid. It is the BackDoor that will get us that beautiful relationship we long for in our teens and the trust and faith they in turn have in us to be able to share absolutely anything with us.


Cheers


Rotimi