When Correction is hard to make!

Hey Everyone! Have surely missed writing here for some time but i guess its just human for me to connect with my heart and have something worthy to share than to write theories, right? Though there has been a lot happening that i could have blogged but then again, the upcoming Summer Road Trip is taking the best of me now and has kept me all tied up.

But this i am compelled to write because i'm sure some Parent can emphatize with the situation i'm in now ands perharps we can help each other out as usual.

My son and i have been going through some correction opinions lately and i just dont feel that my advices or methods are going down well with him. Not that i expect him to smile through the process but i have learnt to listen to his heart over time that i can tell when we have connected and are on the same page........reactions are a different story altogether, though.
I notice that he seem to be questioning authorities a lot lately and argues that he's standing up for what he believes and want to speak for himself, which is okay but that seems to drag along with it a whole lot of drama and controversies in the school and amongs friends that i worry that he will soon get himself labelled as the most controversial dude or the drama king in school if he doesn't stop.

It hurts me as a Parent to hear noises around when he asked to do something and he wants to understand why first or wants to prove 'he doesn't feel like it'.

In her book on Parenting, Joanne Millers agrees that 'children can develop the opinion that correction is an attack and that they must defend themselves at all costs. They believe that correction means weakness and weakeness must be hidden. Blaming someone else is considered insightful and pointing to others factors that seem to cause the problem may seem matured. Justifying, rationalizing and blaming are ways children skirt the issue and misscorrection benefits'

Parents in turn can become frustrated and add to the problem by correcting in counterproductive ways........like i have found myself yelling and critising because i am shocked or embarrased by my child's action which even makes him more defensive.

Now i have to check my intention as a parent and ask myself if my correction methods are achieving their values or minizing it. When i yell at my son in reaction to a bad behaviour, i realise i am not very different or doing better than him. If i can't control myself enough to drive a point in without throwing tantrums, then i feel like an hypocrite who cannot see beyond the situation and expects my son to do the same.

Being a parent comes with the responsibilty of looking beyond the surface and helping our kids know that correction is valuable and is a gift......to realise that the opportunity in every unpleasant situation our kids get into as one to instill correction in love, not as a policeman or a judge who just reads out the consequences of their action. Of course, there are consequences for actions but we must let them know our goal is deeper than that.

We cannot give up easily either because our kids reaction can make us feel tired, embarassed and rejected. Look inside your heart and check your methods to be sure correction is abour discipline and not just punishment.

Joanne recommends that correction is easier to accept if features a clear sense of identity , humility and a vision to grow.


Cheers

It’s my life- The Paradox of a teenage life

'It’s my life, it's my life my world........... '

Many people remember the popular song by Bon Jovi because the sound of it just usually get the listener in the mood to take charge and take control of their lives and shun the interference of any third party. Apart from being an old time favourite, it is a song of expression for the freedom that most young people crave for, especially those in their teens and early twenties (tweens). So it is quite typical to have the song played at any gathering of young people as a means to pump up their adrenalin perhaps the same reason why Mr.Tade Ogidan chose the song to be choreographed at the premier of the movie ‘Family on Fire’ recently.

Beyond the melody and energy of the song however, I realise the reason youngster ‘feel’ the song so much because of the connection and interpretation it gives to their personality and the pretty much the message they try to send to the older generation who are constantly on their backs.

Since my involvement with teenagers and young people, I have noticed that parents and guardians conclude that young people want to be left alone to live their lives, or do they? Should we really leave them alone?  Does this not emphasis the main cause for the deteriorating state or the complete breakdown of the value system in the country?

Well, I cannot deny the latest trend for youngsters in seeking freedom is to rebel in their teen years against whatever plan their parents have for them and seek their own. The most common is dropping out of school to pursue showbiz or is it career, either in music, acting or modelling or out rightly leaving home to avoid any possible drift with the parents’ lack of support.

And as if to proof they were right about their decision all along, these young people find their way back home and the result is often that the parent now can see reasons with them because they have ‘hit’ some serious bucks and have now earned ‘200%’ support from the same parent who didn’t support them initially. But then, those who are not very lucky to ‘hit’ as expected also come back home all the same.

This coming back home suggest to me that no matter how much freedom teenagers and young adults want, they always want to look back to find someone mostly a parent or guardian figure that’s got their back whether or not their decisions produced a good or bad consequences. It is also important to know these youngsters may tell themselves and the parent that they can make it on their own, but the truth is they will always seek the approval of their parent.  

In my opinion, Parents, Guardian, Mentors and the older generation need to understand that teenager will be teenagers and their lives will always be characterised by not- well- thought- out- decisions at one time or the other whether they live here in the country or sent abroad. So there is a need to adopt a concept I call ‘Holding of hands and Pointing of finger.’ Holding of hands entails building relationship, providing support as they experience the changes in their lives and encouraging them to pursue life with value and enthusiasm notwithstanding the odds. Pointing of finger connotes showing direction and giving instruction which most parent or those of the older generation practice a lot.

There is a misunderstanding though, in the application of the concept and so some parents overly hold the hands and forget to point the finger hence they end up raising kids who cannot complete their own NYSC clearance at the age of 22 but needs mummy or daddy to first talk to the officer on their behalf. They’re the ones who also require a personal letter to the MD of the organisation they want employment because they don’t trust their ability to stand out in an interview.

The other extreme is pointing the finger without the holding of hands which translates literally into throwing away the baby with the bath water. Such kids have been given instructions all their life and have little or no support on the direction and instruction they’ve been given. There had been no one to run to when they had questions in their heart about life and what made right, right and what make wrong, wrong. When they need answers to how justifiable a 419 deal is, they were too unconnected with their parents to ask such a question.

The reality of the times we live in require Parents and the older generation to raise their game and not assume they can raise their wards like they were brought up, the times have changes and we need to smell the coffee and quite living in denial. Often times, the quality of life and value we have embraced as parents are truly depicted by those of our children. It is time to wake up and take responsibility.

cheers